Saturday, January 28, 2012

t h i n k o f m e

I've worked myself into a sadness/depressed state. Darn it. Listening to depressing music by yourself will do that to you I suppose. I'm nonstop during the week, today I had time to stop and think... : /

My stomach hurts and we're about to go and see the "Dragon Dance" and eat Chinese. I sure hope I can make it.

I'm trying to figure out where it came from. Are you ever upset and don't know why? I get like that all the time and have to try and peg it down.

-I'm way behind on reading and I need to catch up.
-I'm getting burned out at the daycare.
-The stress/demand/pressure of my online classes are getting to me.
-I wish I could do cosplay progress.
-Bills are frustrating/ finical planning.
-I've been feeling alone, I don't really get to see anyone, including my family anymore.
-Coming closer to Valentine's day and I feel like an idiot. And kinda of sour about it.

And you know I think it all started when people started quoting me on Gaia, like I don't know and don't understand the whole thing but it made me mad. WHY ME? Like one guy is like "For New Years I'd like to meet a girl." Then one other guy quoted me, the same guy opens a new thread and asks about snow. The first guys says something about not ever seeing snow in texas and almost moved to oklahoma. Then the second guy quotes me again and says "it could've happened" heart heart heart.

Maybe I'm being silly about the whole thing, but it annoys me to no end. So yes I'm bitter about life and about being alone. I'm frustrated with myself. I'm sorry for the rant. I'm ready for my room to not be a mess. I'm ready for it to be painted and fixed. I wish sometimes I wasn't so much depended upon. I wish it was warm outside so I could sleep in the grass.

1 comment:

  1. :( I'm sorry you're in a down mood, Mattie... I don't really understand the Gaia quoting stuff, but those sort of sites are sometimes full of idiots or jerks who think they can get away with anything (whether they're intentionally being like that or not)

    Thinking by yourself or listening to music like that WILL do that to you. I get like that a lot; happy one moment, sort of glum and down the next. I'm like, "Where did this come from?!" But I usually kick myself out of it with some positive music or enjoying a hobby to change my mindset and focus. Sometimes even sitting and writing out things you want to do, or are excited about, or need to plan for can get your mind looking forward to the future and off the current moment of gloominess, you know?

    Don't stress yourself out too much with cosplay, though. I understand you want to get Yuna done and make it look legit (which it WILL! >:D) but don't let it become something not fun if you're stressing out. What I do is really take the planning stage to it's fullest; cosplay progress can happen through research on materials, planning out patterns you want to use, colors, etc... Really creating a plan and setting up the beginning stages help the sewing and constructing process way down the line. Plus, in a time of being busy with school or work, researching or planning cosplay can be a little mind vacation. :)

    And Valentine's Day is coming up, and it's a really annoying holiday in my opinion... it either leaves people not in relationships really down in the dumps and hard on themselves, or it leaves people in relationships with high expectations and possible dissapointment. Valentine's Day last year went bad for me and Ethan kinda', cause I expected something super romantic and grand when he was honestly struggling financially. I learned after that that it should be a day (not the ONLY one though) to take an extra step in showing appreciation for those you love and care about, whoever that is, friends, family, boyfriend/girlfriend, dog, cat whatever. It's honestly the corporate brainwashing that's engrained the "worldly" Valentine's Day into our minds. *hipster and rebellious sounding* LOL.

    I want to do something with Ethan, but I also want to make Valentines for all our friends too. Out of cute, vintagey V-Day cardstock and tape candies and goodies in them with fun notes or Bible scripture. :3

    I know that feeling of being alone though; I experience that a lot, mainly last semester when I was constantly working on school stuff, or just working in general. I felt like the only people I saw were work people or design people, and never you guys or my family, or even my roommate. I felt trapped, negative, lonely. I never really found time for myself either so I was bitter and unproductive too.. it passes though, and I got over it in a similar way as defeating that random onset of sadness/depression. I also just MADE myself do something I enjoy; whatever that was. Just so I could be sane and relaxed for a little bit. You kinda' need it too to recharge for work or school or whatever difficult you're facing, you know?

    I hope the rest of your week is good though dearie *hug* <3 I love you, Mattie! Always feel free to text me when you need to <3