Monday, September 26, 2011

If you were a Pokemon, I'd choose you.

I'm sorry, I'm being incredibly emo, but I feel like a failure at everything. No matter what I do I can't do it right. And I forgot my deodorant today which is a total bummer. I hate it when I take things out of my purse and forget to put them back. So I've been thinking about cosplay all morning to get myself out of the dumps. Brant wants to do Luffy from One Piece and Tensa Zangetsu from Bleach. I'm excited to work on his cosplay! And style his wig! Haha. I'm thinking about just going a head and making a Sailor Moon cosplay from scratch. Oh man.

I have a text in exactly three hours. I feel eehhhhhhhh about it but I do get to take a security blanket it. We are allowed a 4x6 note card written in pen and believe me, the text is super small. A lot of the material is review but I can't seem to get my brain wrapped around the stupid ATP cycles of the body and put them together. I know the summary of them but I can't tell you what molecule breaks down this molecule... because the names are so long and hard to pronounce.

In other news, my nails are growing back. Through this stressed time I wanted to chew them off, but I've been chewing a lot of gum instead. They look so pretty, I wanna go get them done. But probably lata... I'm fixing to have to buy contacts so I'll get them in time for Izumicon. I need blue eyes for Videl and Sailor Moon and brown for Sophie. Brant just needs blue for Zangetsu. Honeycolor is doing a special if you buy $100 worth of contacts, you get free express shipping... Cheryl wanna go in with me? Order a pair or whatever? Just lemmme know.

Cosplay Progress:

I need to fix my yellow hair ties.
New gloves.
Blue contacts.

Hair extensions.
Pink hair bows x 2
Brown eyes.

Supa Sailor Moon:
If I choose to make one, everything. XD
Boots, gloves, blue contacts.
Fix evil pain in the butt wig.

Luffy D. Monkey:
Red vest w/gold buttons
Hat with red trim
Frayed blue jeans

Tensa Zangetsu:
Full cloak inside white
Wig and style
Black pants, black boots
Blue contacts
(And he already has the sword)

Izumicon is like, less than 50 days away, isn't that crazy. I will most def be working on cosplay over fall break. And after tests are out of the way. And saving up for it too, finally got my school bill paid. Thank goodness! Haha. I'm drawing at least one thing everyday for the table.. not that I think I'll sell anything, but I'm trying my best. Coming up with poses/designs are really hard to do!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Same cycle.

My head hurts, my hand hurts, studying sucks. School sucks.

Yeah I'm miffed. Even if I made an A at the end of this semester.. I still wouldn't be able to apply for Nursing school, my GPA would still be low. I just want to quit. Freaking quit. Whether it's pre-test anxiety talking, I just am on the edge of tears. I hate pressure. I freaking hate it.

I need to talk to my counselor. I need to do well on this test. Maybe if I scored super high on the Hessi exam and did super well, that would boost me. Maybe I'll end up taking classes next semester as well, I'm gonna make sure it's night classes.. I hate mornings.

Same issues, nothing ever changes.

Monday, September 19, 2011

"You showed me dreams, I wished they'd turn in to real."

What an intense video, right? Haha. After I finish paying off my school bill I'm gonna start getting/doing things for cosplay. For Sailor Moon I need to get gloves, material to finish my suit, red boots and I think that's about it. AH! And help with my retarded wig lol.

The Sailor Moon manga is being re-published by Kodansha Comics which is super exciting. I hope they go all the way through the series, till the end! That's going to be a lot of manga.. I have my b-day and Christmas planned for a good couple of years! Haha!

I have a good outlook right now.. though come Wednesday I probably won't, that's my first test. But deep breaths in and out, I think I'm prepared. There are a couple of things I need to go over though. Sigh, but I'm keeping my chin up.

I need to start running or join a class. But the pay cut I took with school going back in session is really killing me, my check is like half. It really stinks, haha. And now that I think about it, I'm kinda glad that I'm not going to school next semester. And when I talked to my parents about it they actually needed someone to help out with the kids while Rhiannon is having her baby in February. I know God has a plan for everyone's life and I know He'll take care of me. I need to put more faith in Him. I need to give it all to Him. He is good and He'll never let me fall.

I kinda wanna make butterfly wings. This picture is from the end of her transformation. I know she doesn't really have wings, but comeon' wings would be so much fun. Haha! Check out that amazing Howl I found! So beautifullllllll. And I was thinking for Izumicon just doing: Videl, Sophie, and hopefully Sailor Moon. I know I shouldn't be like I need to loose weight for Sailor Moon, but it's kinda my motivation. I'm not talking anything drastic, but I would like to loose 20 more pounds before Izumicon, that isn't a lot and I would really just love to target my thighs and arms. I need someone to push me, to kick my butt, will you yell at me? Haha, I need it. lol

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Deep breaths.

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new 

So after eating some comfort food, which I know doesn't help the overall problem, but it gave me time to think. I will raise my GPA by getting an awesome grade in Physiology. Starting by studying for my test one week from today. I will learn the body's energy cycles and master those chemical exchanges. I will conqure it. Secondly, I will do a bit of physical exercise everyday and not give into "comfort" foods when I'm bored or upset. I hate it, but I do turn to food to fix things... but it doesn't. Which overall means, I spend WAY too much time on facebook/blogger/youtube/internet, therefore I need a vacation. Probably not a total absence, but only in the mornings for an hour. 
I seriously sit on facebook and just refresh pages... when I could be doing more productive things. -Makes a memo on dry erase board- No facebook.... 

I do feel a bit better but I'm still super upset and mad and angsty. So after I posted that previous blog I was like "Growing up sucks, it's so hard and difficult." I went to the cafeteria and got an honest tea, I love those things. On the inside of the label they always have quotes and if you drink it down far enough you can see them, I love getting them just for the quotes. Well mine just so happened to say this, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many." - Unknown. I was just kind of shocked and was like... yeah that's true. Thank you honest tea for your wisdom. So on my way home I stopped by Taco Bueno for some comfort food, mmmm Mexidips and chips, oh em gee. There was a cute guy at the window of course I'm a zombie at this point still wallowing in my pity and he handed me my drink, then my card, and then my food and was like, "Hey, you have a good day sweetheart." I kind of snapped out of my daze and giggled. It was nice and refreshing.

Sigh. Tomorrow will be another day. Thank you Meghan you helped me a lot. I need to work harder and learn from my mistakes. 

P.S. Four days and two hours and twenty minutes till Peter Pan. I cannot wait. <3


Just freaking mad... at myself. For my putting things off, for my laziness, my stupid study habits, and my not so strong will power. I suck.

Scenario #1: I could have eaten the whole house down this morning. I almost let myself thinking, "Oh I'll just run tonight." I probably won't, now I have all these extra calories hanging out. I'm psycho. I finally got myself to stop.. even though I was splurging on "90 calorie" things, those things add up. I just always think, you've been wanting to loose weight for how long? Probably for like, a year or two, do you know how much you could have lost if you didn't give into yourself and actually got off your butt and did something about it?

Scenario #2: To even be accepted into the Nursing Program or even to be looked at, you have to have a gpa of 2.5, I'm thinking no big deal, right? I have a 2.2. -dies- I can't even apply this semester for next semester. I just want to curl up in a small ball and die. I am so lazy when it comes to academics. I have to get a B in this class. I'd say an A but that's probably unlikely. Oh my gosh.

That puts me a semester behind... I wanted to start actual Nursing school next semester. What I actually want to be doing for a living. But nope. Now I need to figure out what I'm going to be doing next semester... I have all of my classes taken. I have nothing left to take.. geez, way to screw this one up Mattie. I don't even know what to say, naughty words, uh.

I'm numb. I don't even feel like going to class. I have a test next week and because of my procrastination, I might just not do very well. Exactly a week from today. I just want to die. Someone please kill me now. I will now spend the rest of my week studying my butt off. I am so thankful we get to bring in a 4x6 note card, thank you Jesus.

I really don't know what to do with myself. I feel like a faliure at everything. I have nothing to show for myself. Other people my age have already graduated college, moved out, married, have kids, have traveled the world. Me, I'm stuck in Piedmont, I'm fat, and still living with Mom and Dad.

I'm going to go be emo now.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

It's taking too long for me to think of anything to put here.

Today's Intake:
Coffee w/creamer- 60 cals
Sandwich (ham&pepperjack)- 220 cals
Half Turkey & Artichoke - 370 cals
Iced Green Tea - 90 cals
Broccoli Cheddar Soup - 200 cals
Fiber One Brownie - 90 cals
Banana - 105 cals
Cheese square - 80 cals

Total: 1215 calories

Did you know you can burn like 30 calories just by sleeping? Crazy right? So right now I'm not too worried about that number right up there. I'm gonna go do my sit ups, I'm gonna do some laps around the pool (which burns a lot of calories), jog around the block.

I went to Rhiannon's doctor appointment to check up on her and her baby and he has put her on the modified HCG diet. He says he has had a lot of success on it.. but for her it's too keep her healthy because she tends to get gestational diabetes during pregnancy and high blood pressure. But the HCG diet is hardcore and it restricts you to fruits and veggies and 500 calories a day. It only recommends you to do it for a couple of months at a time. Her doctor said that he lost 20lbs in a couple of weeks, A COUPLE OF WEEKS! That's motivation. I'd do the version he's telling Rhiannon to do, the "offical" version of this diet you have to take some sort of drop and well, I don't really agree with "diet pills" I don't think they really work. Haha.

I got my new wig in today! It's long and white and beautiful. I can't wait for Izumicon, it's going to be so much fun! Though I hope it's not too cold.. though what do I have to worry about? All of my cosplays are long sleeved things! lol!

I am so loving this weather right now! It's so beautiful. Those weenies who are complaining need to can it and put on a jacket. I'd rather be cold than hot personally. You can never put too many clothes on and you can only take off so much, ROFL! .... Guess what guys? Peter Pan! 11 days away! So I was thinking:

Meet up at someone's house at 2:00 p.m. all dolled up, go out to eat somewhere fun/fancy/lovely, 5:00p.m. be downtown (take pictures, find parking), 6:00 p.m. head to the civic center and find out seats! 7:00 p.m. watch Peter Pan! How does that sound? Tell me what you guys are thinking.. where do y'all wanna go eat? lol

This is going to be so much fun, so much to look forward too! :D

Things I need to finish today:
- Burn some calories
- Chp 1-3 Vocabulary
- Fold clothes
- Clean kitchen
- Color Flynn Rider

Sunday, September 4, 2011

I'll think of a mermaid lagoon, underneath the full moon."

Yes ma'am, two more weeks till Peter Pan. From exactly right now, we'll have already seen an hour and thirty minutes of it! GASP, I cannot believe it's almost here. I'm so excited ladies! :D It's going to be so magical.

I'm waiting on people to make up their minds on movie plans... uhh, my sister takes too long in deciding on things. And if my mum and her don't hurry up I think I might just go by myself.

Today was BEAUTIFUL weather. I love this kind of weather, it's so amazing and nice. I walked out of the house this morning for church and though "I could wear a sweater... but I'm not going to!" lol. Thank God for the rain as well, it was much needed and appreciated. What a wonderful Sunday it has been too! A good Sunday nonetheless. :D

I was playing with my Sailor Moon wig.. which I need to fix lol, and I totally wanna do Rapunzel now.

I would probably do the braided hair version, of course. That'd probably be a lot easier to pull off and easier with the wig situation! lol Let's do a princess cosplay group! :D
Tomorrow the new episode of Adventure Time and all the sexes are switched, Finn is Fionna and Jake is Cake, and Princess Bubblegum is Prince Bubblegum, etc. It's gonna be good! lol 
P.S. Today was a much better day. I didn't get anything done, but it was much better. <3