Wednesday, September 14, 2011


Just freaking mad... at myself. For my putting things off, for my laziness, my stupid study habits, and my not so strong will power. I suck.

Scenario #1: I could have eaten the whole house down this morning. I almost let myself thinking, "Oh I'll just run tonight." I probably won't, now I have all these extra calories hanging out. I'm psycho. I finally got myself to stop.. even though I was splurging on "90 calorie" things, those things add up. I just always think, you've been wanting to loose weight for how long? Probably for like, a year or two, do you know how much you could have lost if you didn't give into yourself and actually got off your butt and did something about it?

Scenario #2: To even be accepted into the Nursing Program or even to be looked at, you have to have a gpa of 2.5, I'm thinking no big deal, right? I have a 2.2. -dies- I can't even apply this semester for next semester. I just want to curl up in a small ball and die. I am so lazy when it comes to academics. I have to get a B in this class. I'd say an A but that's probably unlikely. Oh my gosh.

That puts me a semester behind... I wanted to start actual Nursing school next semester. What I actually want to be doing for a living. But nope. Now I need to figure out what I'm going to be doing next semester... I have all of my classes taken. I have nothing left to take.. geez, way to screw this one up Mattie. I don't even know what to say, naughty words, uh.

I'm numb. I don't even feel like going to class. I have a test next week and because of my procrastination, I might just not do very well. Exactly a week from today. I just want to die. Someone please kill me now. I will now spend the rest of my week studying my butt off. I am so thankful we get to bring in a 4x6 note card, thank you Jesus.

I really don't know what to do with myself. I feel like a faliure at everything. I have nothing to show for myself. Other people my age have already graduated college, moved out, married, have kids, have traveled the world. Me, I'm stuck in Piedmont, I'm fat, and still living with Mom and Dad.

I'm going to go be emo now.


  1. Aww honey ;-; *hugs* We ALL have those days though, so I won't tell you to not be so hard on yourself cause I've been there just recently. Like, two or three times this past week I'm sure.

    It seems when everything goes wrong it all seems to go wrong at once. You don't feel good about yourself, school is getting tough, the future is sort of bearing down on you... I felt like that a lot recently. And we have days we just sort of fall back and behind some, but sometimes it takes moments like that, that we REALLY feel sort of awful, to finally motivate us to make more progress than before. My design teachers always told us it's better to just completely fail and learn from it, than fly under the radar in ignorance and not get anywhere.

    So even if you're feeling like this now, this will only make you hungrier for your goals; losing weight, nursing school, moving out, whatever it is, you'll shoot for it and really go after it. If you're having weak moments of self-esteem or lack of energy for studying, text me or Cheryl and let us know about it; be like HEY, I need some motivation or accountabilty or something, and you should be positive that we will give that to you. Maybe almost too much too, haha.

    I know how you're feeling though, Mattie. *hugs* BUT, don't think you're NOT getting anywhere in life just because drastic changes aren't happening. Everyday you're learning more about yourself, you're growing, whether that means it's hard or easy, or if you know it or not. No day is just a total lapse back.

    I love you dear! You know I am always here for you to talk to or vent to or scream to if you want to, I dun care which :)

  2. Awww Sweetie... ;_; so does that mean you can't go to nursing school until next fall? :( or that you have to make a B in the class in order to go next semester? And its ok! I totally understand, I get lazy too, and procrastinate... its so hard! >< but any way... Im so sorry things have been hard... :( I cant even imagine how hard your classes must be. :( hugs... ;_; theres a song on Air1, its about when things get too hard in life, God is actually strengthening us, and bettering us, even though it doesn't seem like it now. No matter what, always remember that God loves you and he has only the best in store for you, though Gods timing is not always what we want, God is preparing great things for you. and Mattie, you are not fat, you are sooo beautiful! And I think you are being to harsh on yourself, you have lost a LOT a LOT of weight, you look great! You are so beautiful Mattie. I really mean that. *hugs* Heres some songs, I hope they help. I love you!! ;_; call me if you want to talk. hugs ^-^