I don't know what to do and I feel like I'm being pulled in all different directions. As you may or may not know, the lady I nanny for is moving to Maryland/Washington D.C. Her husband is having to do rotations there in order to become a surgeon/doctor. So she'll need someone to watch the baby, seeing that she'll be working full time as a OBGYN (doctor) as well.
Here's where I come in. They're moving in August, they'll be gone for five years, but since I won't be doing anything this coming fall, they want me to stay from August to December. They're even looking for a house that will have a room just for me... I honestly don't know what to do or what to say.
Yes, it'd be awesome to go away and do something totally different and out of the norm, but I'd get so homesick and miss my family/friends. I mean, there are tons of positives like they have a car I can drive, I'll get paid being there, I won't have to pay for anything but my own personal stuff... but I'll be stuck on the other side of the United States, they'll be at work all day and I'll be at the house all day with the baby, by myself.
My mom said I should go ahead and do it, that I won't ever get another chance to do something like this. That it's only for four months.. she said she'll be sad that I'm gone but happy that I'm doing something new.
I just don't know.. and I need to tell them soon because they're looking for a house. I just feel so stressed.. like a ball of stress/anxiety balling up in my throat. Buhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I loved this movie as a kid. I really connected with Odette, especially when she had freckles and braids, and no one would play with her. The boys teased her. Well I got teased for my freckles as a kid and this movie always gave me hope that I'd grow up to be beautiful, with that unrealistic hair, and make people drop dead in their tracks. Well, I'm not there just yet. XD lol
And now that I'm older, I appreciate the feminism in it. "Years pass, and Odette and Derek reach young adulthood. During this time, the two finally begin to fall in love. However, during a royal ball, Derek expresses his wish to marry her for just her looks, which upsets Odette into rejecting him again." How she just doesn't say alright let's get married! She turns him down because we was so shallow in the beginning.
Speaking of all this fairytale/prince/shenanigans I had a pretty awesome dream last night :3
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You know how they had those debutante, social, "coming of age" parties basically where a young lady has come of age and is able to be married, well it had to do with one of those. It somewhat reminded me of Pride and Prejudice, another show I watched a Cheryl's house on BBC I think, and another show. Well I was at a huge social party where there were many ladies and lords "coming of age." All of us ladies were there: Becky, Cheryl, Sable, Meghan, and I. And we were all turning 18, haha. The manor/castle/estate was GORGEOUS golds, browns, blues. Beautiful, flowers everywhere, it smelled like roses. The dresses were elegant and beautiful. Everything was beautiful, there is no other word to describe it. All of our moms were psycho and trying to get us hooked up with the bachelors. There was a huge dance going on and an enchanting orchestra playing. :3
We all were in really pretty white dresses, because that's the rule of the party, and had pretty long hair all in curls and in up do's. Except for me, I had my short hair. Which as you know, back then you just didn't do that. But apparently I was in some sort of accident, I think a fire, and I had to get my hair cut off. There was a group of snooty girls there and they were making fun of me, and all of you were really supportive and just told them off. Well there were guys there that we were all pretty sweet on. One by one you guys got swept off to dance, then I was alone. I was standing there and I looked up and saw my mom mouthing something like "Go find someone to dance with, now." I moved out of her sight and over heard a group of people talking really bad about me. Something having to do with my short hair and how it's a sign for me being promiscuous, and just kept saying how "plain" I was over and over again. I think I kept hearing them saying plain because Cheryl keeps on telling me about Jane and how I should see it. Anyway, I started to cry and just ran away from the party. I got myself lost in the manor and ended up sitting down in a dark stair well. I could still hear the echos of the party and I was near a window and could see couples walking around outside by the candlelight.
I heard some footsteps coming after me, so I quickly got up and ran up the stairwell. It was one of those twisty stair cases. There was only one room at the top so I opened the door and hid in the room. As soon as I found my hiding place the door reopened by the mysterious person. Dun dun dun, it was a guy. And I could barely make out through the darkness it was one of the guys from that previous group. I was scared, how was I going to get out? And what was he going to do? "I know you're hiding in here. Please come out." He stood there for a moment then started to look for me. I stood straight up before he found my hiding spot, "I don't know what you're planning but my father is a member of the council...." He laughed, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what they were saying about you. They are very rude and I cannot believe I use to call them friends." I was dumbstruck. "If I may, could I escort you downstairs?" I didn't move, "How do I know that this isn't a trick? How did you know where to find me?" He was looking for the right words, "Because there is another group on their way right now to come find you, and this is my parents house." Another group coming to find me? I was searching for a way out and out of the darkness a hand came to me, kind of like how Aladdin says "Do you trust me?", so I took his hand. I could barely make out his face or his outline in the darkness, but his hand never swayed, it was warm and caring. At the bottom of the stairs the lights were on and a crowd had gathered. I turned to my rescuer, or so I thought, and it was him. His father was the Duke and this guy was hia successor. My head started to spin as I saw his father and mother flying towards us as well as that group of snooty ladies and lords sneering at us.
"What has happened?" His mother nearly whispered, thinking the worst. I was totally out of the loop and didn't really understand what was going on. His father looked at me then at his son's hand holding mine. "I told you so my lord.." one of the girls from behind pipped up. His father stepped closer, so that he could have a private conversation with his son. His father leaned in and asked him a question, all sorts of emotions were running through my head. Then they both looked at me, "My dear lady just what were you doing up in my stairwell." Embarrassed, I didn't know what to say, and I just looked down at my feet. "I ran away from the party." "Why ever so?" "It's really silly to say and makes me seem more childish than I am." The Duke already knew what he had feared wasn't true. He see the innocence in my eyes and see that I was the product of a cruel joke, it was written all over his son's face. I leaned in closer to him, so that his son couldn't hear even though he probably still did, "They were making fun of my hair. Ever since the fire, it hasn't grown and..." before I could finish he interrupted me "You are one of the most beautiful ladies here, don't let anyone tell you different." He took my free hand, kissed it, and turned on his heel to scold the group behind him. He had them escorted out and home. Light flew in the corridor and quickly flew out.
I realized I was still holding his hand and I quickly let go. It was silent and I started walking towards the door when the same hand touched my shoulder. "Please don't go. I wanted to approach you earlier, before any of this mess happened." I didn't look into his eyes, "What were they accusing me of?" The atmosphere shifted, it was awkward and I felt naive. He didn't say anything verbally, but I could tell by his stillness, he was embarrassed as well. It took me a moment to realize what it was... but I got it. They were trying to pin me with a horrible sin, of doing things before marriage so that I would have a scarlet letter to bare. I cupped my hand over my mouth and forced the tears back, I didn't want to be a baby and I didn't want him to think I couldn't handle myself, but why would someone be so cruel? What have I done to them? The harsh things people do when they hold power or come from a family of power.... I started again towards the door. "If I could only take a moment of your time again, I want you to hear me out."
I walked outside to the cool crisp evening air and I searched for familiar faces but I could hear his footsteps right behind me. He began, "Three or so years ago, I lost my eldest brother in the war. I was sitting near the fountain in the center of town, I had run away from my lessons and never wanted to go back. I wanted to get revenge, I wanted anyone and everyone to feel the pain that I did." At this point I turned around and faced him, I thought how weird it was for him to suddenly open up, to me, a complete stranger. "It began to rain and everyone was starting to leave the square. I thought to myself that no one really cared or no one noticed me. The Earth would still revolve if I wasn't here...." he trailed off, but his eyes focused back on me, full of light and they were sparkling. "As I was getting more drenched by the second a young lady stopped right in front of me. She looked me right in the face with the most beautiful green eyes I have ever seen and said, "Boy, why are you crying?"" He paused and laughed, "Of course I firmly stated that I was not a boy, but becoming a man." He paused again, seeing if anything he had said triggered a response. "The girl gave me her handkerchief and used it to wipe off my face then she promptly withdrew the yellowest daisy from her satchel and told me something I've never forgotten, "There's always sunshine after the rain.... and you know, you have family and friends who love you, above that God loves you more than you'll ever know." She smiled and left."
I was shocked, I remember that. I remember talking with the boy, I remember giving him that daisy my father had given to me. I blushed, I didn't know what to say. "You remember?" I nodded. All I could really think of was how much prettier I was back then, how long my hair was and how thinner must have been then. He grabbed my hand which sucked me out of the past and to the present. "You're words have given me much encouragement, even till now. I've been searching for you, for your name anything I could learn. I eventually found out who you were, where you lived, but I learned of the tragic event that happen to you and your family... So I did anything in my power to help your family out." I swung my head up and into his direction, catching his eyes. "You.. your family was the mysterious benefactor?" Shocked.. what do I say. "We are in your debt." I am so horrible when it comes to guys, it's pathetic, and I know this... I'm so uncomfortable and I get just so.. so stupid. He didn't say anything and I knew, well I just blew it with that last line.
I saw a cluster of faces, Meghan/Cheryl/Sable/Becky, forming feet away from us. I shooed them away with my hand, hiding my smile from him. He laughed as the girls pushed their way out of sight, but were still clearly seen behind the fountain. "Lady Mattie, what I'm really getting to and what I've been trying to ask you, can I court you? I fell in love with your soul. Your are as beautiful outside as you are inside." The breathe was taken right out of me, could this really be for real? So much has happened tonight and I just don't want to be a part of another scam. He could see the doubt beginning in my face. "I can understand why but if you trust me, I can prove my love for you." This was so sudden, I have always secretly had a fear of commitment, but I took a risk and took his hand once more. He took off running towards the open doors off the patio. It was like a dream. The fireflies flew past us in the dark and soon we approached the stone floor that lead into the ballroom.
The band begun to play "Moonlight Serenade" (I know that isn't in the right time period, I'll elaborate on it more) and the room was filled with yellow daises. There were whispers from few from the gossip before "Let them talk." He quickly said to me as he felt me tense up. He lead me to the center of the room and bowed, "May I have this dance?" I looked around at the surrounding faces, it was too good to be true... I found my friends who quickly nodded towards him, agreeing. I bowed back and placed my hands gently in the proper places. For a moment we were flying and no one else was around.
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I WISH I COULD DREAM LIKE THAT EVERY NIGHT!! Haha, I know that song wasn't from that era, Moonlight Serenade is a big band song that I've dreamed and talked about dancing at my wedding. It's my most favorite song, so I thought that was really cool. There was so much in that dream I can really relate to, that really pertain to me right now. My insecurities, how I need to walk more in faith, how I need to put more trust into people, so many things. It truly was an amazing dream and I wish it could have lasted longer... the guy was pretty good looking if you know what I mean... "Nice chest" rofl!
I get bummed sometimes that I don't have someone to be with. But I know that right now, I know it's not best for me. I'm not ready for something like that and I need to put more faith and trust in God and that he has plans for me.
Today was a magical Easter. I am so thankful that Jesus died on the cross for my sin and has given me eternal life. He is the ultimate prince and he is waiting to take us away to a magical kingdom. My brother also came over for Easter, which was a blessing. I've missed him, honestly I have. I wish he'd come back and realize what he's done, but I'm just gonna pray for him.
I miss my friends! I love you girls, summer is almost here. We seriously need to hang out more ;D
I rode my horse, Tommy, today. It's funny I realized I call him Tombo and I have forever. There is just something about being on a horse, the wind in your hair, and running through fields. It's so amazing and liberating. There were a couple of times he kicked out or bucked, but you just gotta let em' know who's boss. >:D I wanna try to ride at least twice a week, I really want to get him back into shape and maybe go to the play days in Piedmont. That would be really fun. I wish I had a cosplay that involved horses, that'd be a killer photo shoot. lol
Yesterday. Was. So. Much. FUN! I had loads of fun. I was also happy to be able to see and hang out with everyone. I know that boy was probably like 17 or younger, but it still made me feel happy. I've never really been complimented by a guy, haha. It made me feel special....I mean I know I have amazing eyes. ROFL just kidding, but I do. XD
I guess I was thinking about the whole Sara thing.. I was kinda upset-ish. But then I felt really kiddish/childish. Running away? That's kind of lame on my part, like I can't stand up to things. Sure she just kind of fell of the edge of the earth and quit talking to me... but I've grown apart from all of my friends in high school. And that's life. Life happens. Things happen. I think next time I see one of them, or her since she seems to appear at the same things, I will say high. I really felt like you know would Jesus run away from people? Or not go over to them because he was wronged by them? Am I showing God's love by not confronting her?
But am I wrong to want to be thinner before I do ever confront them? Haha, sigh.
I'm burning incense right now :3 and I wish I had that steeper thingy, or I'd be having tea as well. So I weighed myself this morning and I actually lost a couple of pounds even though I had that super carb loaded dinner at Chili's. All that walking and sweating paid off. Then after riding horses, you wouldn't think you'd be doing much, but you have to keep your posture and you squeeze with you legs and other stuff, so you work your muscles a lot. I'm actually kind of sore.. but I feel so hardcore. A good way to start the week and build up confidence to get back on the "getting fit" "working out" train.
I love this season because of all the colors. The colors of the blooming flowers. BUH! I love flowers!!! And the pastel candies... pastel makes all the candies better.
Love you guys! Thanks for always being there when I need you. You guys really have a special place in my heart.
P.S. Picture Overload, there was just too much to choose from <3