Thursday, January 19, 2012
Paint the sunset with me.
I am an emotional train wreck right now.
These past couple of days were just, well insane. Everytime I saw my aunt cry, I cried. Everytime my mom cried, I cried. Everytime I saw someone cry, I cried. Seeing him lay there was surreal. Like he would wake up any minute. He was such a prankster too, like this was a joke. But I knew it wasn't, he looked peaceful though. We got back around 8:30ish 9:00ish?
I couldn't sleep at all. Between 2:00 a.m. to 4:30ish a.m. I was awake. Everytime I fell asleep I would wake up 10 minutes later. It was horrible. I had myself freaked out too. I slept through my alarm and was almost late for work.
Which is a whole other story! I showed up looking like a hobo, no makeup, dirty hair, didn't have shoes on, pjs, and I didn't wanna be there. P asked me if I was okay, I said yes. I was, I was going to suck it up because I needed the hours. I changed and headed on to the other center and there was a girl already in my classroom. I guess she was training or something. I came in and she stared at me weird. I said "Hi my name is Mattie." I forgot what her name was. I asked how long she had been in the room, since Monday. Then I asked if the kids were bad and she kinda snapped back and was like "I like the kids, they're great. No problems, I have no problems. Only during naptime." I was kinda like... ohhhkay. Then I asked her if one of the kids who usually fake sleeps does that and she said "Nope. He always goes straight to sleep. No problems." Like very rudely. Alright... then I went to look at the attendance sheet and she comes over and says "Oh he's not going to be here for a while, she'll be here soon, he hasn't been here all week.." I didn't say anything. Then she walked over and started to talk to the other teacher.. She just was very rude to me. P finally got to the daycare and as soon as she walked over to me I started balling. She kinda stared at me. I'm not one to usually be a cry baby, I can normally take things, but just between everything that has happened and not getting sleep, I was done. P was like, this is her room, way before you got here. She went to a funeral and doesn't feel well.
It's true. I feel stressed, I feel trapped, I feel overwhelmed. And honestly I don't want that room if she's going to be in it. Maybe it was just me being over emotional, but she was very rude to me. Sometimes people treat me differently because they think I'm way younger than they are, it's happened to me before. I wish that I was more assertive and strong. I wish I could have some tea or coffee right now.
In a way I'm glad the fast is over Sunday, the first thing I'm doing is having a nice cup of coffee. Then just now on facebook I got a message from an old friend saying "So I was deleted from you friendslist?" I haven't even talked to her in almost a year! And that was only briefly, we went out to eat with our old group. Even then they didn't treat me like a friend. I seriously haven't had a considered her my friend in years. I did so much without complaining after highschool while we were "friends" and for her to come back way later and say stuff like that? I don't want her stalking my facebook...
I miss you guys and I just feel alone right now. I know I'm not and I know I have awesome friends and people who love me now! :D But why do things have to dig themselves up from the past? I am way too overemotional. But I have until three to go back to work so I think I'm going to start reading on my homework, take a nap, and maybe go jogging.
Bubbz asked what dream/passion have we forgotten. I think a couple of things I've really kinda put on the back burner to pursue other things would be my passion for music and baking. I loved loved playing the clarinet and in high school I dreamed of doing more with that, but I haven't done anything with it.. and baking! I dream to make big, extravagant, beautiful cakes and confections, but I haven't done anything about that either.