Sunday, October 9, 2011

"I'll lead them to your door."

Alright I think I have at least three sketches, three good sketches, I want to use. Possibly four. Whoa, maybe even five.... Hmph, getting closer. I'm going to draw a picture everyday this week. I just need to take deep breaths and take it slow, not give up within the first how many minutes. It's a progress, not magic. I need to fix a bit on them and learn to color *gets on knees over and over*

I think I'm going to wear my Sailor Moon shirt tomorrow! Whoo!

Yesterday way fun. Meghan, Cheryl, and I got table things squared away. Huzzah for that! I got my Sailor Moon wig fixed because of these ladies, double huzzah.

Things I still need to buy:
Black gloves (Videl)
Gloves (Sailor Moon)
White extensions
Pink Ribbon Bows
White leotard
Fabric (Sailor Moon)
Red vest w/gold buttons (Luffy)
Blue jeans
Black Wig

Things to fix:
Sailor Moon wig
Sailor Moon brooch
Sailor moon feather clips
Videl hair ties
Videl boots
Videl shirt (sew armpit area)

I can probably knock most of this stuff off this weekend. My mom's birthday is Sunday! I need to get her something but I don't know what... I know she wants a high dollar camera, but I'm gonna save and pitch in a sum for Christmas for that. But I think I'm going to give her a giftcard to Home Depot again, she really appreciated that, not that my mom doesn't appreciate things that she gets but she could really use it... like it was practical. Does that make sense?

I guess a lot also that has been getting me down is, well, I'm kinda lonely. I mean I know I shouldn't complain, but uhhhh. Okay okay, I knoooow one doesn't need to have a relationship to "survive" and I'm definitely not one of those girls that has to be in a relationship every minute of her life. I mean shoot, the single life is pretty hardcore and free... But that has me a bit down, I've never ever really been in one, like a real serious one. And that also takes me back to my self confidence self image issue. Though I am so shy and awkward when it comes to guys in the first place. I think it's because I didn't really have any guy friends, ever. This is group is the first guy friends I've really had lol. This is bad but some where programed in my brain I have "if I was thinner I would be liked better." I know it's horrible but sometimes I feel like it's true.

Like when I was in Arkansas I was given a really hard time about it, like hassled. First my new Uncle thought I was 16 yrs old... -dies- and then when I told him I was 21 he asked me why I was still living at home -dies- and why I haven't had any serious relationships. My answer, "Well I'm just having fun with my friends right now >.<" "Sheesh, you're 21 and haven't at least shacked up with two guys already?" Now let me paint you the picture, the kitchen is a square I'm pinned up against the refrigerator, my "uncle" is across the room from me and Rhiannon, my aunt, and my cousin are on either side of him. I felt like I was trapped. I didn't know what to say to that.. I felt like he was attacking me. I was kinda of taken back, heck no I haven't shacked up with guys. Geeez, I'm not trashy. First of all, that's against my moral ethics and religion. Secondly, I know what comes from that: children. Thirdly, that's not my idea of "fun." I just walked out of the room. When you go and see family that you haven't seen in forever they always a couple of these questions:

1. "Are you dating anyone?"
2. "Where do you work?"
3. "Have you graduated college yet?"

And oddly, I'm kind of sensitive to all. 1, No actually. 2, I live at a daycare. 3, No I messed up and slacked off, but at least I'm still going.

Okay now I'm just getting bitter. >.>

I'm sorry, I rant here a lot and don't really talk about it to you guys. But when it comes to feelings I get awkward and shy and shut down. I don't know what to say.

BUT IZUMICON. I'm really looking forward to that and our Halloween party. I really want crazy colored hair again too.. lol. But I know, I'm keeping my chin up. I know "he" won't show up on a white horse and I'm not going to just settle for anything. I have standards that I'm sticking to. I need to put faith into it. Honestly, I think I need to learn to love myself more, which is very hard.


  1. They never come in on a white horse or all gallantly or anything. They sort of come in quietly, almost awkwardly and may never start out as a "potential relationship" at the beginning. The best relationships are grown through friendships anyway, and take time to really turn into anything.

    Hollywood, Jane Austen, and shojo anime tends to turn our brains into mush I think, lol.. everything is so romantic and perfect and well placed. Time elapses and things move quickly and right into love. All sorts of cute, beautiful, romantic things happen between the two and never anything trashy or hard or painful, really, that they don't just totally conquer. There's the "love at first site" and "fireworks" concepts, but those aren't really true at all, in my opinion. So, don't disappoint and keep yourself guarded, or put up such high expectations that aren't able to be reached. Or think it'll just be totally obvious when "he" comes around, because it may not be obvious at all.

    And with your family, well, that's THEM. Not you. Don't let what they say get to you. They're in such an old-fashioned mindset it's not even funny; however, our generation isn't like that. We're not expected to just fly through college straight after high school, we're not expected to always be dating or married really young.. And what DOES make us girls different from the rest of our generation is that we're NOT shacking up and not waiting or being patient. It's hard to hear stuff like that from family, but, you must understand that they shouldn't even be SAYING stuff like that to you int he first place --- for one, they sound really rude. And two, it's your life, and you're living it how you want to. There is nothing wrong with that.

    But, I know for certain that relationships and love and stuff is highly exaggerated; I know that sounds entirely bitter, but, I'm in a relationship and I'm saying this. It is a beautiful thing, but it's not something you NEED to be happy, either. It will all come at it's time in place; it's a growing experience more than anything, but a lot of people think it's something they must have to be happy or to cure loneliness.

    Truly enjoying your season of singleness, however long you think that will be, will help you in more ways than you know. I really needed to stay single for a while before dating again to truly be happy on my own and just enjoy time with my friends and family. Even within a relationship, you're not married; so you can still be independent and free with your friends and enjoying your life. It's just another sort of added element to your life that you'll take into consideration more often.

    I hope this is all making sense @_@ Basically, you just need to keep your life how YOU want to. And live it how you BELIEVE. Not by what anyone else thinks, or tells you. Just be Mattie, and I'm totally 207% positive that a guy will be totally crazy for you and you guys will rock and be hardcore and awesome together.

    I'm so excited to see who God has planned for you and when He'll bring Him in your life :3 And until then, you can just rest assured in Him that He will provide, and love your life with your friends and family, and learn to love yourself more. And all of that will lead you down the right way.

    You are truly a treasure, Mattie! I love you! <3

  2. D'aw Meghan, thanks. That really cheered me up.

    I mean, yes, I've survived this long. I guess I kind of want that companionship.. though when I do think about it, it kind of frightens me. Haha, I'm so complex.

    It's my newest "Uncle" who is very rude, no one likes him. He just married my Aunt a couple of years ago, I just try to avoid him. >.>

    My expectations are high such as, He has to be Christian he has to like my family, he has to want to come spend time with me, he has to get along with my family. I just see with my sister's husband, he doesn't come over to our house at all and he doesn't like the kids. It's really sad and heartbreaking for my sister.

    Buh, oldfashioned.

  3. NO, that's not old-fashioned at all! With how family oriented you are, you need a guy like that. You need a guy that understands and will even help you, or be comfortable around kids and your big family. And of course they have to want to spend time with you, lol, they can't be too complacent, boring or just like "whatever", or else I don't think anyone would be interested in that kind of guy anyway O.O He needs to invest time into you and even your family; it really does make an impression.

  4. I was saying oldfashioned as in how back then gals got married at a young age and had kids and stuff. Most of my cousins are having kids (they're in their 20's-ish) and that's what a lot of people expect. But I want more in life, most, all, of my cousin's aren't married and don't have a very good life. I know that sounds harsh, but it's reality.

    Well see my sister's husband doesn't like coming over to our house and he doesn't like all of the kids. He hasn't said it aloud to any of us, but you can tell because he never comes over, ever. Like in all the years they have been married I think 7 or 6? He's probably come over like only 8 times, seriously. And that's when we cooked a big dinner or something.

    I want/need a guy that isn't afraid of a lot of kids. My brother and sisters are special needs kids and it is a bit overwhelming/scary... XP and I know my parents are a bit overwhelming/scary haha.