Sunday, August 28, 2011

"We have our hands lifted high, to the sky, and when the world wonders why, we'll just tell them we're loving our King."

Last night I was at the hospital (Baptist ER) with Rhiannon, Sean, Ruger, Mom, and Sean's parents. Ruger has been puking, having diarrhea, and loosing weight this whole week.. he's already tiny. Long story short he was dehydrated but they also think there's an underlying problem to why he's not gaining weight. We know he's lactose intolerant but there might be something else so they're being referred to another doctor. I think I was there till about after midnight and they left shortly after I did.

I had a dream last night and I was in the old high school/middle school bathroom, you know, the one by the office in the cafeteria/hallway. I think it was after band practice and before we were suppose to be loading up. It was that smell of old marching band uniforms and sweat from you shakos. We we're all in your normal casual pre-marching competition dress wear, black shirt, shorts, black socks, and dinkles. Getting all of our stuff together, you know, rushing around at the last minute making sure you do not leave anything. I was in the stall when I heard familiar voices, my high school friends. It seemed like good times, high school no cares. I remember walking out of the bathroom with them because we always walked in packs, haha. There was glass everywhere in the hallway, like nick nacks, and suddenly we all looked like we did after high school, and our gang was still kinda close. Then we changed again, we look like we do now, and I got lost in what seemed like a mini shopping mall inside the middle school. I knocked over some glass and it shattered everywhere. I just sat down on a slide and watched people walk by... weird dream.

I think it put me in a bad mood all day, that one stupid dream... It kind of made me want to go back into time and change things in highschool/middleschool that I did. I'd change my outlook, I'd try to be a better Christian because honestly I didn't even care then, I would be nicer to people, I would care more about my studies, I wouldn't give in to peer pressure, and honestly I would probably have changed my friends.

Another subject on my mind, which is constantly on my mind, is of course my weight. We were watching Hercules yesterday and Friday and the waistline on those girls... sheesh. Meg's isn't there, like seriously. But I catch myself looking at waistlines like that wishing and hoping. I use to think if I was skinnier that life would be better, rainbows and lollipops, and that it would come easier. Of course I do know that is not true, but I'm ready to wake up and not absolutely dislike myself. I feel like a blob...

I'm sorry I had to rant today... I just feel hateful and I want to be alone and want to sleep the day away and wake up like myself tomorrow.


I think school is already stressing me out and I've only had one week of it. But sooooo much rides upon this semester. I have to start studying for my entrance exam and I'm praying that I'll make it into Nursing school next semester... Physio is totally chemistry which I am horrible about that, so lots and lots of studying. I feel so behind, I just wanna scream! Haha, but I need to take it day by day. I think I'm going to make a schedule and try to follow it.

I've been so lazy, the energy is drained out of me and I don't know why... but I need to gather my energy and take my lazy butt to the gym and outside and what not. I know most of it is my fault, I have been letting myself eat when I'm board and not exercise... I'm great about making up excuses... but I need someone to hold me accountable, like I'm not letting someone else down. Because my inner self is like... sheesh, whatever I don't care, but when someone else is helping me I'm like Oh crap, I don't want to let them down. Is that weird? Probably! Haha. And when I think about it, I've been on this "loosing weight health kick" for a while now... like two years! And if I was really serious about it 2 years ago, I'd probably be where I want to be... so no more putting it off. I really want this for myself. I'm always worried what others will think or who it's gonna effect. I need to stop that and let go. I just need to let go.

I drew this just kind of contrasting myself. Like the difference in my hair to the difference in the colors I wear, I use to love love to wear teal. XD

It's weird, I can barely even remember that picture on the left... I don't even think it looks like myself. I don't remember when that was taken.. I think that's my senior year of highschool. Probably, because I had a horrible hack job on my hair as you can probably tell... it looks like a bowl on my head! ROFL

But as I take a step back and just look at these two pictures, even though I weighed less on the left and had longer hair I know overall that I'm much happier on the right. Even though I have more padding and shorter hair, lol, I know I'm surround by people who really truly care for me from the depths of their souls... unlike the picture on the left. I'm letting go of the grudge that I've secretly been holding onto: I forgive you Alisha, Sara, Emma, and Jincy for hurting me whether it was done intentionally or not. Life moves on and so do we but I'll always keep you in my prayers and my heart.

Lord, help me to be a better sister, friend, and daughter. Help me to show your love and peace through my life. Draw me close to you and never let me go. "Operate" your "surgeries" on my eyes, arms, mouth, thoughts, so that they will all glorify you. Thank you for your many blessings.

After getting all that off, I feel so much better. So much better. Haha! Cheryl, when we get an apartment please forgive me... because I am probably going to be lazy. The other day it came to me... "When I grow up, get out of the house, what will I do?.... GASP, you just work and go home. WHOA! I can sleep in and watch tv and do whatever till all hours of the night and not have anyone to say anything about it! Yeah buddy, no parents." Rofl, my parents just laughed. But I promise to not be messy. <3

Love you girls, thanks for reading. I'm sorry that I'm so down on myself all the time and sometimes I can work myself into a depression but I just had to get it out and off my chest. I hope to see y'all soon! I can't wait till Peter Pan! I got the tickets in the mail yesterday! I yelled and danced with them!

1 comment:

  1. Awwww Mattie... ;_; *hugs* I love you. ;_; Im sorry you've been feeling down lately. :( and and is Ruger ok?! And Mattie, I am so proud of you for forgiving them and praying for them, even when they hurt you, forgivness is a very hard thing to do. Ive never been hurt by close friends before, so I couldn't even imagine how painful that must have been for you. But I know that by forgiving them you will feel a lot better, and Gods going to bless you so much. ^_^ Reading your blog made me realize I need to forgive Billy for hurting me. I dont know if I told you the story... but he pretty much used me to get to my friend Aika, even though he denies it, thats how it felt to me. :( any way I think Ive been hanging on to it for a while, cause when ever I hear some one talk about him I just detest him, and get angry at the thought of him. So I think I really need to forgive. ><

    and Mattie, you are soooo beautiful!! In both pictures, then and now, you are so beautiful, and you are even more so, beasue you have such a beautiful heart, and that shines brighter then anything. ^^

    And about the weight thing, I will hold you accountable! we should come up with a plan or something, like post what we eat every day on our blog or something. XD Ive been slaking too... but you know. I really blame it on the heat, cause Ive been feeling lazy too. I really think it has to do with the heat, cause I think it makes us less motivated to go out side or do anything, so when Im bored, I eat too. D: its a horrible cyle! ><

    and omg! I can't wait till we get an apartment! Every day Im feeling a little more ready to eventually move out on my own. Ive been buying little things here and now that Im going to take with me when I move out. Like yesterday I bought a rice cooker. XD

    Any way, sorry this is getting long, I love you so much! you are amazing Mattie, and I really mean that. Call me or text me if you want to hang out any time this week. love you! ^^