Last night I was at the hospital (Baptist ER) with Rhiannon, Sean, Ruger, Mom, and Sean's parents. Ruger has been puking, having diarrhea, and loosing weight this whole week.. he's already tiny. Long story short he was dehydrated but they also think there's an underlying problem to why he's not gaining weight. We know he's lactose intolerant but there might be something else so they're being referred to another doctor. I think I was there till about after midnight and they left shortly after I did.
I had a dream last night and I was in the old high school/middle school bathroom, you know, the one by the office in the cafeteria/hallway. I think it was after band practice and before we were suppose to be loading up. It was that smell of old marching band uniforms and sweat from you shakos. We we're all in your normal casual pre-marching competition dress wear, black shirt, shorts, black socks, and dinkles. Getting all of our stuff together, you know, rushing around at the last minute making sure you do not leave anything. I was in the stall when I heard familiar voices, my high school friends. It seemed like good times, high school no cares. I remember walking out of the bathroom with them because we always walked in packs, haha. There was glass everywhere in the hallway, like nick nacks, and suddenly we all looked like we did after high school, and our gang was still kinda close. Then we changed again, we look like we do now, and I got lost in what seemed like a mini shopping mall inside the middle school. I knocked over some glass and it shattered everywhere. I just sat down on a slide and watched people walk by... weird dream.
I think it put me in a bad mood all day, that one stupid dream... It kind of made me want to go back into time and change things in highschool/middleschool that I did. I'd change my outlook, I'd try to be a better Christian because honestly I didn't even care then, I would be nicer to people, I would care more about my studies, I wouldn't give in to peer pressure, and honestly I would probably have changed my friends.
Another subject on my mind, which is constantly on my mind, is of course my weight. We were watching Hercules yesterday and Friday and the waistline on those girls... sheesh. Meg's isn't there, like seriously. But I catch myself looking at waistlines like that wishing and hoping. I use to think if I was skinnier that life would be better, rainbows and lollipops, and that it would come easier. Of course I do know that is not true, but I'm ready to wake up and not absolutely dislike myself. I feel like a blob...
I'm sorry I had to rant today... I just feel hateful and I want to be alone and want to sleep the day away and wake up like myself tomorrow.
-DEEPBREATH IN DEEPBREATH OUT-
I think school is already stressing me out and I've only had one week of it. But sooooo much rides upon this semester. I have to start studying for my entrance exam and I'm praying that I'll make it into Nursing school next semester... Physio is totally chemistry which I am horrible about that, so lots and lots of studying. I feel so behind, I just wanna scream! Haha, but I need to take it day by day. I think I'm going to make a schedule and try to follow it.
I've been so lazy, the energy is drained out of me and I don't know why... but I need to gather my energy and take my lazy butt to the gym and outside and what not. I know most of it is my fault, I have been letting myself eat when I'm board and not exercise... I'm great about making up excuses... but I need someone to hold me accountable, like I'm not letting someone else down. Because my inner self is like... sheesh, whatever I don't care, but when someone else is helping me I'm like Oh crap, I don't want to let them down. Is that weird? Probably! Haha. And when I think about it, I've been on this "loosing weight health kick" for a while now... like two years! And if I was really serious about it 2 years ago, I'd probably be where I want to be... so no more putting it off. I really want this for myself. I'm always worried what others will think or who it's gonna effect. I need to stop that and let go. I just need to let go.
I drew this just kind of contrasting myself. Like the difference in my hair to the difference in the colors I wear, I use to love love to wear teal. XD
It's weird, I can barely even remember that picture on the left... I don't even think it looks like myself. I don't remember when that was taken.. I think that's my senior year of highschool. Probably, because I had a horrible hack job on my hair as you can probably tell... it looks like a bowl on my head! ROFL
But as I take a step back and just look at these two pictures, even though I weighed less on the left and had longer hair I know overall that I'm much happier on the right. Even though I have more padding and shorter hair, lol, I know I'm surround by people who really truly care for me from the depths of their souls... unlike the picture on the left. I'm letting go of the grudge that I've secretly been holding onto: I forgive you Alisha, Sara, Emma, and Jincy for hurting me whether it was done intentionally or not. Life moves on and so do we but I'll always keep you in my prayers and my heart.
Lord, help me to be a better sister, friend, and daughter. Help me to show your love and peace through my life. Draw me close to you and never let me go. "Operate" your "surgeries" on my eyes, arms, mouth, thoughts, so that they will all glorify you. Thank you for your many blessings.
After getting all that off, I feel so much better. So much better. Haha! Cheryl, when we get an apartment please forgive me... because I am probably going to be lazy. The other day it came to me... "When I grow up, get out of the house, what will I do?.... GASP, you just work and go home. WHOA! I can sleep in and watch tv and do whatever till all hours of the night and not have anyone to say anything about it! Yeah buddy, no parents." Rofl, my parents just laughed. But I promise to not be messy. <3
Love you girls, thanks for reading. I'm sorry that I'm so down on myself all the time and sometimes I can work myself into a depression but I just had to get it out and off my chest. I hope to see y'all soon! I can't wait till Peter Pan! I got the tickets in the mail yesterday! I yelled and danced with them!