Saturday, November 26, 2011

Feel the heat.

Just what I needed to see. A bunch of skinny awesome asian dancers right after I have stuffed my face for the past two days... I wanna join a boot camp or something. XD

Hahaha, I've been super stressed it hit me last night. My final is speeding closer to me and I really don't know much. I mean it's the same material I know the basics, but I mean with these take home tests it's not like you learn too much. Take home tests are like a huge worksheet. I'm also just super stressed because it's like even if I make an A my gpa will be 2.49 and not a 2.5 like I need. I just wanna quit. I wish I could start all over... I've been thinking about going through the CNA program, seeing if that will boost my grades... or maybe even taking Physiology and Anatomy (AGAIN) next semester. >.> I'd probably be killing myself, slowly. I hate myself because I don't crack books, it's a horrible habit I have. I've had it from high school because they DO NOT prepare you for college like they say they're suppose to. If I do choose to take courses next semester I think they'll be night time classes. I just want to break down and cry. I feel like such a failure and I feel  like I don't have anywhere to go. It's a big ball of stress and failure just inside of me and I can't let it go. Uhhhhhhhhgh.

If I were to take any classes over again, it'd have to be A&P, because I just couldn't do Micro again, blehh. And I already have all the books, I really need to talk to my counselor.

I still have a paper to write, but I think I'll do that later this coming week while I'm school having nothing to do. XP OH and the picture of the white horse totally looks like mine! <3

Will you think little of me if I do repeat? Does it make me stupider if I do retake Anatomy for the fourth time? Physio the second? I'm also worried that if I do, what will ppl at work say. I already said that I could work full time, but now everything might change. I'm worried that they'll hate me. I'm worried that my parents/friends will think I'm a failure. Why can't I just do it right the first time? I do feel like a failure. 


  1. :( NEVER feel like that, Mattie. And do you really think we'd think of you as a failure? We all totally understand how hard and demanding college can be, goodness, ESPECIALLY in a nursing program. That's a whole level of smarts and hard work I can't even imagine or comprehend... All your hard work will seriously pay off, but sometimes it doesn't happen as fast as you want to.

    I've been learning this entire semester to except failure, and as sad as that may sound, it really isn't. Failure or not succeeding at something we really want to succeed at shapes us. We grow EXPONENTIALLY MORE from it. I'm not saying that's an excuse to go around half-heartedly doing everything and "failing" and saying you'll learn from it, no. It's different when you do try really hard but just don't make the cut, or just barely fall short, or don't do the best, or just fail at it altogether. Some people defeat themselves entirely because of that, but we're still in college; this is our time to experiment, to fail, to grow and learn from it. We're putting in all the hard work now so later on down the road we will be much more seasoned and experienced. We won't run into "failure" experiences because we'll have learned from them when we were younger, and that's where they're needed the less, in the PROFESSIONAL career world.

    That's all our design teachers tell us, "We'd rather see you epically fail and fall on your face then just fly under the radar safe your whole college life; because at least from failing and falling, you have to get up, dust yourself off, and learn from it." It's really sucky sort of concept to get a hold of, but by nature, it needs to be accepted. It's accepting that things won't always go as smoothly, but if we learn from it and just keep going then we'll only get better from here.

    So, all that said, do whatever you need to do to succeed. And if that means retaking classes, and having to work harder, then albeit, do it! Don't worry about what your work or friends think; true friends encourage you, and don't tear you down, and your work SHOULD be all sorts of accommodating to you for all you do for them anyway.

    Anytime you need to vent, cry, scream, be happy, or whatever, about school or stress, just let me know, lol. I've been feeling this sort of anxiety all semester long to, and I'm finally just now starting to accept it all.

    I love you Mattie! Never give up! <3 <3 *hugs*

  2. Mattie, sweetie.... ;_; hugs.... i would never think of you as a failure. Mattie I really look up to you. You are taking really really hard classes that most people in America are to lazy to take. You are working hard, and you know the saying, if at first you dont suceed, try, try and try agian. It might take several times of taking classes over till you pass, but thats ok, becuase you will know the material, and thats what is really important in your career, since you will be working with peoples lives ya know? Im really proud of you mattie, dont give up. You aren't a failure, and as for the day care, dont worry about them, this is your future! you do whats best for you. the day care will survive. your career isin't full time day care teacher for the rest of your life, its to become a nurse. Sharon and Felica will understand, they will prob be disapointed but they will get over it. Some how God will work out everything for the best. I'm praying for you. Love you Mattie. You have a heart of Gold. :)