Tuesday, June 21, 2011

"We can make forever to feel this way."

I am about to rant, so if you don't want to hear anyone complain about their day, than skip right on to the photos.

Tired. I am tired of working at the daycare. It's bogus. Most of us feel this way too. It's not fun anymore, the kids treat us like dirt and pretty much get a slap on the wrist for it and sent on their way, with these different inspectors coming it's like we're being corrected and what not. I'm kept over when we close and don't see anything from it. The kids are ungrateful. I always ALWAYS have to be on my feet. I don't even think I used the restroom today. I'm sorry for having a pity party, I really am, but I'm almost to the point where I'm going to burst. Either with tears or anger, kind of like Azula when she's chained down. That's exactly how I feel right now, arms chained down and there's nothing I can do about it. Stressed.

And when you're stressed with one thing you start feeling depressed about the other things that are in the back of your head. Like the fact that I'm 21 and I have nothing to show for myself. I feel like a loser, I still live with my parents, don't have a degree, don't have a good job, and yeah. I mean I know a lot of people I graduated with are already graduated from college, off into their careers, and traveling the world.

Weight is always a constant issue on my mind. But I've been swimming laps, sit ups, and watching what I eat lately. But with this stress it has kinda made me turn to food for comfort without me realizing it sometimes. I think I need to start jogging or walking or running, something to that effect.

TnT so close but so far away. I'm ready for another trip away from reality. 3 weeks and 3 days. Oh man. I'm suppose to get off work early tomorrow, I hope it still stands true. I really want to come home and spend some time with my family.... like take a nap with the kids! Hahaha! We just got inside from swimming, however it didn't start out that we were gonna swim. I got the urge and while still in my jean shorts and shirt I jumped in. The kids followed suit. It was loads of fun and I think it wore them out. The firework stand opened up yesterday O.O looks like I know what I'm gonna do sooner or later. Fireworks are so fun, pretty, and magical.

I keep on having weird dreams about having kids or being pregnant or not having a good relationship with the "baby daddy" / "husband" it's kind of freaking me out. But honestly I'm going to give credit to working at the daycare all day. That's probably what's doing it. XP

This is my bed right now, yes you may make fun of me or think of me as a slob, whatever. I sleep on the left side and my clothes lay on the right side. I am way too lazy to fold them or hang them up. Like I was saying to Cheryl I have to be in the right mood to fold, like a folding mood. Though I think if my mom were to see this she might tell me to do it or get mad. Thank goodness no one really comes into my room.

A couple of things I have in common with Azula: I torture animals. Not turtleducks, but ants. I like to stick gum down their tunnels, XD haha. Then the next day I check it out to see if they successfully dug their tunnel back. And I'm not to smooth around guys, "Cause it's sharp." Yeah, -face palm- I'm not smooth around guys, that's like my line. Geeez.


  1. Aww, Mattie! *hugs* I love you darling!

    Yes, I have to agree though -- being from an objective point of view, just seeing the amount of stress and anxiety work puts you and Cheryl through makes me think you both need out of that job :/ It's nothing but misery and there's way better jobs out there for the same amount of pay, great people, new experiences. I give you two kudos though; I'm sure my impatience and anxiety would've burst waaay waay long time ago, and I would've just quit. You girls are both extremely strong and amazing, but don't put up with being treated badly and practically being used.

    Next, I totally hear you on the weight thing. Maybe you and I should have a serious sit down talk/prayer session about this since we both seem to struggle with it a lot >< Hold each other accountable and make sure we're both doing well and being strong. I definitely turn to food for comfort when I'm down, and then I just continue to be down from there because I'm not respecting myself enough. It's all a mean, endless cycle, but we can break it! We've proven that to ourselves before, now we just have to keep up with it this time.

    I think TnT will be another well deserved sigh of relief for all of us too; I'm really glad it's coming up as well. It'll be another little mini-vacation to get away from everything for a while. Let's just not be super stressed about it this time! Hahaha.

    *hugs* You're amazing Mattie! And you know I'm always here to listen if you need to talk. :)

  2. Awwww Mattie....... *gives you a super big hug* I didn't know work was getting so bad to the point where you feel your going to break down... :( Can I pray with you? maybe tongiht at church, me you and meghan we can all pray together? I love you Mattie. and dont worry about the career thing, you're so close to becoming a nurse! and once you are, you will have an amazing job and you can totaly ditch the day care. Im so proud of you! It may seem like its far off, or that you feel behind from other people, but really your almost there. ^_^ It will come faster then you think.
    And about feeling down about your weight, you may not see it, but I can really tell you have lost tons of weight! You look great Mattie! Im really proud of you. We should start having work out days again. :) Oh by the way, this morning did the ants take the gum down in their hole? lol XD I love you Mattie!

    James 2:2-4

    2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.