Saturday, March 19, 2011

Spring cleaning.

I met up with some old friends yesterday and it was kind of eye opening. I wasn't really looking forward to it to tell the truth. I mean, we just kind of fell out, you know? On my part, I feel like they haven't tried to keep in contact these past 3 years since we've graduated. I use to write them letters all the time, text them, call them, whatever. I probably seemed desperate and I was. I was the only one left in Piedmont, so I would drive to see them. No one ever drove to see me. Maybe they had reasons, I don't know. And a lot of the time some of them would probably just use me as a last resort and I would jump through hoops to please them. I was stupid, but I can tell you I have grown. The people who I use to envy and be jealous of are now some people I don't even recognize and some who I'm sorry for.

I don't want to sound like a jerk, I don't think I'm better than them or anyone at all. I guess I was just kind of let down. I use to look up to one of them so much and now it's just crazy. I felt like I was slapped in the face. Not that I was a bad person before, but I did cuss a lot and had bad humor, like "guttter" humor. They were cracking jokes and cussing up storms, I didn't laugh. It wasn't funny to me, I think I've grown and matured and have just changed. One of them asked me if I was depressed. What? No. Man, I just don't find gay / rude / sex jokes funny. Most of them are dating guys 9 to 10 years older than them, they club, they drink, they probably have sex. People change.

We had dinner, took pictures, and left. They didn't really want to hang out afterwards, eh, whatever. I guess with them I'm use to being kind of tossed aside. Geeez, I know I'm sounding lame and I don't know where I'm going with this. I was so depressed after high school, like super depressed, I hated myself and cried all the time because I felt alone and the only friend I had was Rhiannon.

On the the way home yesterday I was at a stoplight and thought, Lord thank you. Thank you for the friends you have blessed with me now, they are truly amazing and genuine. I don't know where I would be if I would have never met them or got re-acquainted with some. Please watch over these other girls, even though we've drifted apart, I still care for them.

So I guess I've just been a bit sad. They still look down on me because I live with my parents, don't really have anything to show for myself, and that I haven't been dating. That was the first thing to come up in conversation, "So have you gone on any dates?" Uhhh... first of all what is so important about guys? But what I actually said  was, "I'm happy with what I'm doing now." And I really am.

Today I cleared my walls. Emptied my drawers. Donated to Goodwill. Threw away old things. I want a clean slate, I want to start over. During this process I actually found my 4th grade lunch card! And some gauntlets from band, haha. I also FINALLY got the Peter Pan dvd. FYE had it and it was the only one. I was very excited. This probably makes me very selfish and a lazy girl, but after watching Peter Pan, I thought "I don't want to grow up either." I wish I could be taken away to a magical place, even if it was for just a day. Escape the tasks of reality, the responsibilities of reality. This whole experience has also made me wish I could go back to high school and change so many things.

I know I cannot dwell in these things for they cannot happen. I need to seek for peace in my soul though, I feel like I've been through an earthquake. And maybe I'm just being over emotional. But why can't things be pure, innocent, and clean while being fun at the same time? Why has the world changed so....


  1. Mattie, I can totally understand where you're coming from. I went through a shift and change of friends, but during high school instead of after, which made things during high school way, way harder. They turned on me, talked behind my back, pranked me, every little catty things girls could possibly do, they did. I sort of ripped apart from them for my own sanity, but, even before I really knew God, he placed new, spiritual friends in my life.

    I still see and am friends with the people I hung out with back in the day, however, I realize too, what happened to most of them? And I guess I used to be like them too, until they sort of ditched me aside because I'd been "changing". It's really hard to lose friends/see them change for the worse, however, it's a blessing to be able to turn around and see your other friends, your spiritual, godly friends, that will always be there.

    *hugs* We love you, Mattie! And I for one am also very glad me and you became good friends again :3 I think it was meant to be, haha, that sounds all cheesey xD;; And there's nothing wrong with not wanting to grow up -- I feel like that all the time. And, I totally blame that movie for it too, haha.. We can always stay young at heart, that's the best way to be, I believe.

    And, btw, I love all these pictures you find! <3 :O

  2. It does really stink, but I know things happen for a reason. I know if I had gone off to a college and dorm with some of them, I don't know who I would be you know? But I am glad and happy. When God closes a door He opens another.

    Yes, He has placed christian friends in my life, which is a blessing because it keeps me on my toes and because I really needed you guys. :3

    And you know, we are in a fairytale. One day our King of Kings is going to swoop down and take us to heaven to a father who loves us. As silly as that sounds, I kind of got that from the message today in church. Even when things look bleak around us we just have to keep looking up. Which has made me much happier today. I felt a little lost yesterday. XD

    Yes and I have a crush on that Peter Pan flirting with Snow White! ROFL