I met up with some old friends yesterday and it was kind of eye opening. I wasn't really looking forward to it to tell the truth. I mean, we just kind of fell out, you know? On my part, I feel like they haven't tried to keep in contact these past 3 years since we've graduated. I use to write them letters all the time, text them, call them, whatever. I probably seemed desperate and I was. I was the only one left in Piedmont, so I would drive to see them. No one ever drove to see me. Maybe they had reasons, I don't know. And a lot of the time some of them would probably just use me as a last resort and I would jump through hoops to please them. I was stupid, but I can tell you I have grown. The people who I use to envy and be jealous of are now some people I don't even recognize and some who I'm sorry for.
I don't want to sound like a jerk, I don't think I'm better than them or anyone at all. I guess I was just kind of let down. I use to look up to one of them so much and now it's just crazy. I felt like I was slapped in the face. Not that I was a bad person before, but I did cuss a lot and had bad humor, like "guttter" humor. They were cracking jokes and cussing up storms, I didn't laugh. It wasn't funny to me, I think I've grown and matured and have just changed. One of them asked me if I was depressed. What? No. Man, I just don't find gay / rude / sex jokes funny. Most of them are dating guys 9 to 10 years older than them, they club, they drink, they probably have sex. People change.
We had dinner, took pictures, and left. They didn't really want to hang out afterwards, eh, whatever. I guess with them I'm use to being kind of tossed aside. Geeez, I know I'm sounding lame and I don't know where I'm going with this. I was so depressed after high school, like super depressed, I hated myself and cried all the time because I felt alone and the only friend I had was Rhiannon.
On the the way home yesterday I was at a stoplight and thought, Lord thank you. Thank you for the friends you have blessed with me now, they are truly amazing and genuine. I don't know where I would be if I would have never met them or got re-acquainted with some. Please watch over these other girls, even though we've drifted apart, I still care for them.
So I guess I've just been a bit sad. They still look down on me because I live with my parents, don't really have anything to show for myself, and that I haven't been dating. That was the first thing to come up in conversation, "So have you gone on any dates?" Uhhh... first of all what is so important about guys? But what I actually said was, "I'm happy with what I'm doing now." And I really am.
Today I cleared my walls. Emptied my drawers. Donated to Goodwill. Threw away old things. I want a clean slate, I want to start over. During this process I actually found my 4th grade lunch card! And some gauntlets from band, haha. I also FINALLY got the Peter Pan dvd. FYE had it and it was the only one. I was very excited. This probably makes me very selfish and a lazy girl, but after watching Peter Pan, I thought "I don't want to grow up either." I wish I could be taken away to a magical place, even if it was for just a day. Escape the tasks of reality, the responsibilities of reality. This whole experience has also made me wish I could go back to high school and change so many things.
I know I cannot dwell in these things for they cannot happen. I need to seek for peace in my soul though, I feel like I've been through an earthquake. And maybe I'm just being over emotional. But why can't things be pure, innocent, and clean while being fun at the same time? Why has the world changed so....