"You showed me dreams, I wished they'd turn in to real."

What an intense video, right? Haha. After I finish paying off my school bill I'm gonna start getting/doing things for cosplay. For Sailor Moon I need to get gloves, material to finish my suit, red boots and I think that's about it. AH! And help with my retarded wig lol.

The Sailor Moon manga is being re-published by Kodansha Comics which is super exciting. I hope they go all the way through the series, till the end! That's going to be a lot of manga.. I have my b-day and Christmas planned for a good couple of years! Haha!

I have a good outlook right now.. though come Wednesday I probably won't, that's my first test. But deep breaths in and out, I think I'm prepared. There are a couple of things I need to go over though. Sigh, but I'm keeping my chin up.

I need to start running or join a class. But the pay cut I took with school going back in session is really killing me, my check is like half. It really stinks, haha. And now that I think about it, I'm kinda glad that I'm not going to school next semester. And when I talked to my parents about it they actually needed someone to help out with the kids while Rhiannon is having her baby in February. I know God has a plan for everyone's life and I know He'll take care of me. I need to put more faith in Him. I need to give it all to Him. He is good and He'll never let me fall.

I kinda wanna make butterfly wings. This picture is from the end of her transformation. I know she doesn't really have wings, but comeon' wings would be so much fun. Haha! Check out that amazing Howl I found! So beautifullllllll. And I was thinking for Izumicon just doing: Videl, Sophie, and hopefully Sailor Moon. I know I shouldn't be like I need to loose weight for Sailor Moon, but it's kinda my motivation. I'm not talking anything drastic, but I would like to loose 20 more pounds before Izumicon, that isn't a lot and I would really just love to target my thighs and arms. I need someone to push me, to kick my butt, will you yell at me? Haha, I need it. lol

Deep breaths.

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new 

So after eating some comfort food, which I know doesn't help the overall problem, but it gave me time to think. I will raise my GPA by getting an awesome grade in Physiology. Starting by studying for my test one week from today. I will learn the body's energy cycles and master those chemical exchanges. I will conqure it. Secondly, I will do a bit of physical exercise everyday and not give into "comfort" foods when I'm bored or upset. I hate it, but I do turn to food to fix things... but it doesn't. Which overall means, I spend WAY too much time on facebook/blogger/youtube/internet, therefore I need a vacation. Probably not a total absence, but only in the mornings for an hour. 

I seriously sit on facebook and just refresh pages... when I could be doing more productive things. -Makes a memo on dry erase board- No facebook.... 

I do feel a bit better but I'm still super upset and mad and angsty. So after I posted that previous blog I was like "Growing up sucks, it's so hard and difficult." I went to the cafeteria and got an honest tea, I love those things. On the inside of the label they always have quotes and if you drink it down far enough you can see them, I love getting them just for the quotes. Well mine just so happened to say this, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many." - Unknown. I was just kind of shocked and was like... yeah that's true. Thank you honest tea for your wisdom. So on my way home I stopped by Taco Bueno for some comfort food, mmmm Mexidips and chips, oh em gee. There was a cute guy at the window of course I'm a zombie at this point still wallowing in my pity and he handed me my drink, then my card, and then my food and was like, "Hey, you have a good day sweetheart." I kind of snapped out of my daze and giggled. It was nice and refreshing.

Sigh. Tomorrow will be another day. Thank you Meghan you helped me a lot. I need to work harder and learn from my mistakes. 

P.S. Four days and two hours and twenty minutes till Peter Pan. I cannot wait. <3

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Just freaking mad... at myself. For my putting things off, for my laziness, my stupid study habits, and my not so strong will power. I suck.


Scenario #1: I could have eaten the whole house down this morning. I almost let myself thinking, "Oh I'll just run tonight." I probably won't, now I have all these extra calories hanging out. I'm psycho. I finally got myself to stop.. even though I was splurging on "90 calorie" things, those things add up. I just always think, you've been wanting to loose weight for how long? Probably for like, a year or two, do you know how much you could have lost if you didn't give into yourself and actually got off your butt and did something about it?


Scenario #2: To even be accepted into the Nursing Program or even to be looked at, you have to have a gpa of 2.5, I'm thinking no big deal, right? I have a 2.2. -dies- I can't even apply this semester for next semester. I just want to curl up in a small ball and die. I am so lazy when it comes to academics. I have to get a B in this class. I'd say an A but that's probably unlikely. Oh my gosh.


That puts me a semester behind... I wanted to start actual Nursing school next semester. What I actually want to be doing for a living. But nope. Now I need to figure out what I'm going to be doing next semester... I have all of my classes taken. I have nothing left to take.. geez, way to screw this one up Mattie. I don't even know what to say, naughty words, uh.


I'm numb. I don't even feel like going to class. I have a test next week and because of my procrastination, I might just not do very well. Exactly a week from today. I just want to die. Someone please kill me now. I will now spend the rest of my week studying my butt off. I am so thankful we get to bring in a 4x6 note card, thank you Jesus.


I really don't know what to do with myself. I feel like a faliure at everything. I have nothing to show for myself. Other people my age have already graduated college, moved out, married, have kids, have traveled the world. Me, I'm stuck in Piedmont, I'm fat, and still living with Mom and Dad.


I'm going to go be emo now.